You're not sick, your just crazy.

About 6 months ago I started getting pains in my abdomen along pains in my chest. I'm not a fan of going to the doctor but I am relentless when there's something wrong with my body. What's so ironic is with four kids and a high stress job I don't exercise much, I eat bad and like my cocktails at night to wind down. I KNOW it's totally obvious that my lifestyle could use some re-tooling but I'm too tired (and somewhat scared of jiggling too much on a treadmill) So I go full blown psycho worried that I have some sort of tumor growing in my stomach. Over the next 4 months I get 2 Hyda Scans, 3 sets of x-rays, 2 ultrasounds, a CT Scan, an EKG and about 7 gallons of blood drawn from my chubby arm. And what have they found? Nothing, Gall Bladder? Nope. Liver? All good. I'm within my BMI and have no real need to eat right and exercise? Not so fast Mr. Eat a can pringles in bed. Zilch. Other than being a thirty-seven year old stressed out Dad with a Buddha belly I'm physically okay.

My wife says I'm a hypochondriac but what does she know about being sick? She gets sick like once every two years and it last about two hours. Mom's have a built in virus ass kicking defense system, if you want to fight bio terrorism I say put all the Mom's on the front lines and those bugs won't stand a chance.

I on the other hand get every single virus that crosses the border and few that only cats are supposed to get. In 2009 alone I had 7 different strains of flu and a rare form of malaria only found in Sri Lanka. Maybe that's exaggerating a little but I definitely get everything the kids bring home from public school which I'm pretty sure is where the malaria came from. Hand sanitizer my ass.

Back to this pain, I was not fine with being told by specialists that there was nothing wrong, especially after I paid their special Co-pay every time I went because they are special. Well I'm special too and so is the stupid pain in my side. Fix it! So after all the interalists and surgeons and hospital gowns that leave nothing to be desired where did I end up? Right back in my primary care doctor's office close to tears. ( By close I mean I had a tear in the truck on the way there but men don't cry, sorry I don't make the rules)

What the hell is wrong with me I ask? I'm not crazy and I'm not making this up. She tells me in Medicine they look for horses first, the real obvious stuff that years of practice tells them is there, after that when all possibilities are exhausted they look for Zebras. I saw a zebra at a zoo once and it looked sad so I'm already worried. After running down the possibilities of what could be happening she asks about my work and my sleeping habits and life at home and suddenly says have you ever suffered from Anxiety? Just the word itself offended me, what is she saying? I can't handle it? I'm losing it? I mean honestly you can't just tell a man, a MAN who played high school football, a MAN who snowboards and grills steak, a MAN who kills spiders and checks for monsters in his daughter's closet at night that he's suffering from anxiety! Damn you Dr. for even suggesting that to me! But I quietly say "No I have not" The smirk on her face said only one thing: "You are lying to me and you know it." Being the consummate professional she moved off the topic knowing full well what was happening to me. She gave me some new sleep meds because if you read my earlier post Lunesta didn't pan out so great for me. She told me to start exercising and eat better and to learn some relaxation exercises. So far I've done the eating part but I;m working towards the others. And things are little better I can honestly say. Oh and guess what else those particular sleep meds are used for? That's right, in higher does they are used for Anxiety. My Doctor is a smart lady and her co-pay is only 20 bucks.

So this anxiety thing is real and stress causes it and come to find out stress and anxiety can make you feeeeel really sick even when you aren't. So next time you're feeling bad and they can't seem find out what it is, remember you're not sick, you're just crazy.