The Exercise Project and the procrastinating cow

on Monday, March 15, 2010

So my wife and I made a pact, a pact to start eating healthy and lose weight. God knows my pringle habit alone is enough to cause some tippage of the scale and I'm sure Gold's Gym would like it if we actually went to their facility and used their equipment. I think my my little scan card should be swiped at least once in 2010. So we are going to get rid of our vices, be accountable to each other and start eating right and exercising. The plan is simple, move the clothes hangers, I mean treadmill and stationary bikes, out of our cramped room where they never get used to the one room in our basement that is not finished. It's nice little space to throw down a rug, set up a TV and crank out some cardio and it's away from everyone so when my fat starts swaying side to side no one can see it. Plus there's no mirrors like there are at Gold's Gym, ever jog on a treadmill at Gold's in the mirror when some twenty year old kid is running right next to you? Well you if you want hack away at what's left of your shattered self image I highly recommend it. I'm for the basement, it's a much better place for me to sweat like a fat guy eating a corn dog in the shade. So let's do this thing. Seems easy enough right? We'll be crankin some Whitesnake and banging out the miles in no time.

Step 1, go down the basement and create some space. Dammit it's filthy down here, now I have to sweep. An hour later I've swept up 3 piles of dust and inhaled some nice carcinogens from the pile of old insulation laying on the concrete floor. I'm pretty sure the fiber glass in my lungs is going to make this first jog a tough one. Sidetracked! Tub full of old CD's, damn a black crows album from 1991, I need to import that into itunes. "They said she talks to aaangeelllsss!!........" What? Oh yeah workout room. Back on task.

Twenty minutes later, sweeping done. Now the rug. The rug is stuck under the computer desk, moving desk is hard. Skip that step for now and go back downstairs to re-evaluate the situation. Really what would make this better is if we could hook up the satellite down here. Sidetracked! Need to find the back up receiver, call Directv and have it turned on. Search for receiver begins........Hey I found an old wine fridge, that would be nice to have in our bedroom to fill with water bottles in case we need some water in the middle of the night, our house gets so dry, I wonder what the furnace filter looks like? Check filter and haul fridge up to room. "Here I go again on my own......." Focus!! Workout room, let's get going.

Two hours have passed, rug still there, piles of dust still there, treadmill and bikes still there. I think what I'll do next is move the tv stand down there to put the tv on. Back down stairs to move tv stand. It's considerably lighter than the computer desk. Task accomplished. I am getting it done, I am a bad ass, I can feel the fat burning, at this rate I'll lose 25 LBS but Sunday night. Side tracked! Hey some old frame pics of us and the kids, man we were thin and TAN!! When was that? I can;t look at it anymore this stupid picture of us when we were hot is making me feel like Jaba the Hut, I should break it how dare it mock me. Where's that Black Crows CD?

Time to move the treadmill, very heavy and my back already hurts. I think before we do this I'll go check the room down there again just to make sure everything will fit. Where's the tape measure? 20 minutes later I find myself in the garage reading the back of a can of WD40. Tape measure, where are you? Oh well one of the boys probably lost it? Don't they know I need a tape measure to exercise? Now I have to eyeball it. Back down the stairs. Everything looks good, better get on that treadmill it ain't gonna move itself. Sidetracked! My four year old found a doll in there, wife and I explain it was her doll when she was little. What a precious moment, spend next 30 minutes playing with 4 year old. Now it's lunch time and we should finish watching that movie we didn't finish the night before.

Hour later, back down stairs. There's no plugs in here, how could there be no plugs? What is wrong with the previous owners? Why would they finish 80% of a basement and and stop here? I bet they were lazy. Stupid lazy previous owners throwing a wrench in our pact. Now I have to call someone to put a plug in here.

That's it honey this project is on hold, there's NO way I could comfortably exercise with the treadmill plugged into an extension cord. It wouldn't be right we're going to have to wait. Plan B I'm going to get up at 5 a.m. Monday morning and hit the gym and head straight to work, until we have that plug it'll have to do. That's a good plan I feel better now. Grab the 4 year and let's go to Sam's Club and stock up on healthy foods.

Sams club shopping successful, got some good stuff. That yummy humus they have there is awesome and really it's low in fat and calories since it's made of beans. Now I don't feel so bad dipping Ritz crackers in it because I know it's healthy. Dammit 8 O'clock already? Kids have to bed in an hour I better get my workout stuff ready. Sidetracked! It's daylight savings and I better change all the clocks, morning is going to be a painful one. Task completed and I better get to bed, 5 a.m. is when the true bad asses get up and workout, I bet that's when Lance Armstrong works out. I'm ready.

MORNING! I have a sore throat, it's 7 a.m., what the hell happened to the alarm clock? Sore throat and chills. Nooooo it's the flu my daughter had last week. Damn you flu! What about my pact for a healthier me? Guess I'll go to work and I'll treadmill when I get home. 3 p.m. flu in full effect, kicking my butt, no treadmill now. Must go home and eat comfort food and bundle up.

Tomorrow I am getting up at 5 a.m., contractor coming Thursday to install plug, we'll move the treadmill then, and then it's ON!! Working out twice a day like a maniac from here on out. But first I might as well have some Pringles I mean what's the difference at this point?

You're not sick, your just crazy.

on Thursday, March 11, 2010

About 6 months ago I started getting pains in my abdomen along pains in my chest. I'm not a fan of going to the doctor but I am relentless when there's something wrong with my body. What's so ironic is with four kids and a high stress job I don't exercise much, I eat bad and like my cocktails at night to wind down. I KNOW it's totally obvious that my lifestyle could use some re-tooling but I'm too tired (and somewhat scared of jiggling too much on a treadmill) So I go full blown psycho worried that I have some sort of tumor growing in my stomach. Over the next 4 months I get 2 Hyda Scans, 3 sets of x-rays, 2 ultrasounds, a CT Scan, an EKG and about 7 gallons of blood drawn from my chubby arm. And what have they found? Nothing, Gall Bladder? Nope. Liver? All good. I'm within my BMI and have no real need to eat right and exercise? Not so fast Mr. Eat a can pringles in bed. Zilch. Other than being a thirty-seven year old stressed out Dad with a Buddha belly I'm physically okay.

My wife says I'm a hypochondriac but what does she know about being sick? She gets sick like once every two years and it last about two hours. Mom's have a built in virus ass kicking defense system, if you want to fight bio terrorism I say put all the Mom's on the front lines and those bugs won't stand a chance.

I on the other hand get every single virus that crosses the border and few that only cats are supposed to get. In 2009 alone I had 7 different strains of flu and a rare form of malaria only found in Sri Lanka. Maybe that's exaggerating a little but I definitely get everything the kids bring home from public school which I'm pretty sure is where the malaria came from. Hand sanitizer my ass.
Back to this pain, I was not fine with being told by specialists that there was nothing wrong, especially after I paid their special Co-pay every time I went because they are special. Well I'm special too and so is the stupid pain in my side. Fix it! So after all the interalists and surgeons and hospital gowns that leave nothing to be desired where did I end up? Right back in my primary care doctor's office close to tears. ( By close I mean I had a tear in the truck on the way there but men don't cry, sorry I don't make the rules)

What the hell is wrong with me I ask? I'm not crazy and I'm not making this up. She tells me in Medicine they look for horses first, the real obvious stuff that years of practice tells them is there, after that when all possibilities are exhausted they look for Zebras. I saw a zebra at a zoo once and it looked sad so I'm already worried. After running down the possibilities of what could be happening she asks about my work and my sleeping habits and life at home and suddenly says have you ever suffered from Anxiety? Just the word itself offended me, what is she saying? I can't handle it? I'm losing it? I mean honestly you can't just tell a man, a MAN who played high school football, a MAN who snowboards and grills steak, a MAN who kills spiders and checks for monsters in his daughter's closet at night that he's suffering from anxiety! Damn you Dr. for even suggesting that to me! But I quietly say "No I have not" The smirk on her face said only one thing: "You are lying to me and you know it." Being the consummate professional she moved off the topic knowing full well what was happening to me. She gave me some new sleep meds because if you read my earlier post Lunesta didn't pan out so great for me. She told me to start exercising and eat better and to learn some relaxation exercises. So far I've done the eating part but I;m working towards the others. And things are little better I can honestly say. Oh and guess what else those particular sleep meds are used for? That's right, in higher does they are used for Anxiety. My Doctor is a smart lady and her co-pay is only 20 bucks.

So this anxiety thing is real and stress causes it and come to find out stress and anxiety can make you feeeeel really sick even when you aren't. So next time you're feeling bad and they can't seem find out what it is, remember you're not sick, you're just crazy.