The Exercise Project and the procrastinating cow

So my wife and I made a pact, a pact to start eating healthy and lose weight. God knows my pringle habit alone is enough to cause some tippage of the scale and I'm sure Gold's Gym would like it if we actually went to their facility and used their equipment. I think my my little scan card should be swiped at least once in 2010. So we are going to get rid of our vices, be accountable to each other and start eating right and exercising. The plan is simple, move the clothes hangers, I mean treadmill and stationary bikes, out of our cramped room where they never get used to the one room in our basement that is not finished. It's nice little space to throw down a rug, set up a TV and crank out some cardio and it's away from everyone so when my fat starts swaying side to side no one can see it. Plus there's no mirrors like there are at Gold's Gym, ever jog on a treadmill at Gold's in the mirror when some twenty year old kid is running right next to you? Well you if you want hack away at what's left of your shattered self image I highly recommend it. I'm for the basement, it's a much better place for me to sweat like a fat guy eating a corn dog in the shade. So let's do this thing. Seems easy enough right? We'll be crankin some Whitesnake and banging out the miles in no time.

Step 1, go down the basement and create some space. Dammit it's filthy down here, now I have to sweep. An hour later I've swept up 3 piles of dust and inhaled some nice carcinogens from the pile of old insulation laying on the concrete floor. I'm pretty sure the fiber glass in my lungs is going to make this first jog a tough one. Sidetracked! Tub full of old CD's, damn a black crows album from 1991, I need to import that into itunes. "They said she talks to aaangeelllsss!!........" What? Oh yeah workout room. Back on task.

Twenty minutes later, sweeping done. Now the rug. The rug is stuck under the computer desk, moving desk is hard. Skip that step for now and go back downstairs to re-evaluate the situation. Really what would make this better is if we could hook up the satellite down here. Sidetracked! Need to find the back up receiver, call Directv and have it turned on. Search for receiver begins........Hey I found an old wine fridge, that would be nice to have in our bedroom to fill with water bottles in case we need some water in the middle of the night, our house gets so dry, I wonder what the furnace filter looks like? Check filter and haul fridge up to room. "Here I go again on my own......." Focus!! Workout room, let's get going.

Two hours have passed, rug still there, piles of dust still there, treadmill and bikes still there. I think what I'll do next is move the tv stand down there to put the tv on. Back down stairs to move tv stand. It's considerably lighter than the computer desk. Task accomplished. I am getting it done, I am a bad ass, I can feel the fat burning, at this rate I'll lose 25 LBS but Sunday night. Side tracked! Hey some old frame pics of us and the kids, man we were thin and TAN!! When was that? I can;t look at it anymore this stupid picture of us when we were hot is making me feel like Jaba the Hut, I should break it how dare it mock me. Where's that Black Crows CD?

Time to move the treadmill, very heavy and my back already hurts. I think before we do this I'll go check the room down there again just to make sure everything will fit. Where's the tape measure? 20 minutes later I find myself in the garage reading the back of a can of WD40. Tape measure, where are you? Oh well one of the boys probably lost it? Don't they know I need a tape measure to exercise? Now I have to eyeball it. Back down the stairs. Everything looks good, better get on that treadmill it ain't gonna move itself. Sidetracked! My four year old found a doll in there, wife and I explain it was her doll when she was little. What a precious moment, spend next 30 minutes playing with 4 year old. Now it's lunch time and we should finish watching that movie we didn't finish the night before.

Hour later, back down stairs. There's no plugs in here, how could there be no plugs? What is wrong with the previous owners? Why would they finish 80% of a basement and and stop here? I bet they were lazy. Stupid lazy previous owners throwing a wrench in our pact. Now I have to call someone to put a plug in here.

That's it honey this project is on hold, there's NO way I could comfortably exercise with the treadmill plugged into an extension cord. It wouldn't be right we're going to have to wait. Plan B I'm going to get up at 5 a.m. Monday morning and hit the gym and head straight to work, until we have that plug it'll have to do. That's a good plan I feel better now. Grab the 4 year and let's go to Sam's Club and stock up on healthy foods.

Sams club shopping successful, got some good stuff. That yummy humus they have there is awesome and really it's low in fat and calories since it's made of beans. Now I don't feel so bad dipping Ritz crackers in it because I know it's healthy. Dammit 8 O'clock already? Kids have to bed in an hour I better get my workout stuff ready. Sidetracked! It's daylight savings and I better change all the clocks, morning is going to be a painful one. Task completed and I better get to bed, 5 a.m. is when the true bad asses get up and workout, I bet that's when Lance Armstrong works out. I'm ready.

MORNING! I have a sore throat, it's 7 a.m., what the hell happened to the alarm clock? Sore throat and chills. Nooooo it's the flu my daughter had last week. Damn you flu! What about my pact for a healthier me? Guess I'll go to work and I'll treadmill when I get home. 3 p.m. flu in full effect, kicking my butt, no treadmill now. Must go home and eat comfort food and bundle up.

Tomorrow I am getting up at 5 a.m., contractor coming Thursday to install plug, we'll move the treadmill then, and then it's ON!! Working out twice a day like a maniac from here on out. But first I might as well have some Pringles I mean what's the difference at this point?

You're not sick, your just crazy.

About 6 months ago I started getting pains in my abdomen along pains in my chest. I'm not a fan of going to the doctor but I am relentless when there's something wrong with my body. What's so ironic is with four kids and a high stress job I don't exercise much, I eat bad and like my cocktails at night to wind down. I KNOW it's totally obvious that my lifestyle could use some re-tooling but I'm too tired (and somewhat scared of jiggling too much on a treadmill) So I go full blown psycho worried that I have some sort of tumor growing in my stomach. Over the next 4 months I get 2 Hyda Scans, 3 sets of x-rays, 2 ultrasounds, a CT Scan, an EKG and about 7 gallons of blood drawn from my chubby arm. And what have they found? Nothing, Gall Bladder? Nope. Liver? All good. I'm within my BMI and have no real need to eat right and exercise? Not so fast Mr. Eat a can pringles in bed. Zilch. Other than being a thirty-seven year old stressed out Dad with a Buddha belly I'm physically okay.

My wife says I'm a hypochondriac but what does she know about being sick? She gets sick like once every two years and it last about two hours. Mom's have a built in virus ass kicking defense system, if you want to fight bio terrorism I say put all the Mom's on the front lines and those bugs won't stand a chance.

I on the other hand get every single virus that crosses the border and few that only cats are supposed to get. In 2009 alone I had 7 different strains of flu and a rare form of malaria only found in Sri Lanka. Maybe that's exaggerating a little but I definitely get everything the kids bring home from public school which I'm pretty sure is where the malaria came from. Hand sanitizer my ass.

Back to this pain, I was not fine with being told by specialists that there was nothing wrong, especially after I paid their special Co-pay every time I went because they are special. Well I'm special too and so is the stupid pain in my side. Fix it! So after all the interalists and surgeons and hospital gowns that leave nothing to be desired where did I end up? Right back in my primary care doctor's office close to tears. ( By close I mean I had a tear in the truck on the way there but men don't cry, sorry I don't make the rules)

What the hell is wrong with me I ask? I'm not crazy and I'm not making this up. She tells me in Medicine they look for horses first, the real obvious stuff that years of practice tells them is there, after that when all possibilities are exhausted they look for Zebras. I saw a zebra at a zoo once and it looked sad so I'm already worried. After running down the possibilities of what could be happening she asks about my work and my sleeping habits and life at home and suddenly says have you ever suffered from Anxiety? Just the word itself offended me, what is she saying? I can't handle it? I'm losing it? I mean honestly you can't just tell a man, a MAN who played high school football, a MAN who snowboards and grills steak, a MAN who kills spiders and checks for monsters in his daughter's closet at night that he's suffering from anxiety! Damn you Dr. for even suggesting that to me! But I quietly say "No I have not" The smirk on her face said only one thing: "You are lying to me and you know it." Being the consummate professional she moved off the topic knowing full well what was happening to me. She gave me some new sleep meds because if you read my earlier post Lunesta didn't pan out so great for me. She told me to start exercising and eat better and to learn some relaxation exercises. So far I've done the eating part but I;m working towards the others. And things are little better I can honestly say. Oh and guess what else those particular sleep meds are used for? That's right, in higher does they are used for Anxiety. My Doctor is a smart lady and her co-pay is only 20 bucks.

So this anxiety thing is real and stress causes it and come to find out stress and anxiety can make you feeeeel really sick even when you aren't. So next time you're feeling bad and they can't seem find out what it is, remember you're not sick, you're just crazy.

Lunesta, sleep apnea and whaaaaaa the helll?

I sleep about as good as a hummingbird on crack. I hear everything, I change positions 50 times, and constantly wake up in a panic. Throw in some obstructive sleep apnea and you've got one tired fat guy come morning. So I approach this problem with a double whammy, sleep meds and C.P.A.P. If you aren't familiar with the CPAP it's a machine that keeps your airway open while you sleep so you don't snore or stop breathing which tends to wake you up. The body has this obsession with getting oxygen, when you have sleep apnea it cuts it off and then your brain likes to pump adrenaline into your system to wake you up and remind you that your kind of dying right now and you should wake up. When I don't use my CPAP this cycle happens 128 times per night or so says the 20 year old kid who ran my sleep study, ten thousand dollars worth of sleep study equipment and the guy running it it still being claimed on his Mom's taxes, go figure.

Now, one would think that this combo of drugs and air is the perfect blend to create a relaxing nights sleep. Yeeesss sleeeeepp........WAIT! Start back at the beginning: Lunesta is a sleep aid, a very powerful sleep aid that my insurance company hates because it's expensive. It also takes your mind on a freaking dream ride from hell every time you take it. Next, the CPAP, this machine is wonderful for those of you who like looking and sounding like Darth Vader. By the time you strap this on your head you're already frightened. So drugs, check, horrible mask, check...

On a typical night I fall asleep after taking my Lunesta before I put on my CPAP because the stuff works so fast you go from wide awake to lobotomized in a few minutes. For some reason I never learn this lesson I always think I have a few more minutes, side effect number 1, Lunesta makes you dumb. At this point I'll stay down until the apnea wakes me up, typically upon waking up I'm suffering from a little panic a little anxiety and I think I just had a dream about eating some one's hair. On goes the mask and right back to sleep.

Dreams: Lunesta dreams are whacked out. You might be flying in a bowl of soup talking to a frog or running down a path made of cheese being chased by an enormous bowling ball. Once I dreamt my eyes were full of apple juice and I kept trying to put straws in them to drink it. Everyone has a dream about not being able to scream right? Well on Lunesta you'll have that dream except your tongue will be dragging on the ground and while a cat drives a car in circles around you laughing. Thanks Lunesta for damaging my Psyche. Side effect #2, dreams from hell.

After about 4 hours of Tim Burton's nightmare theater the CPAP has dried out your mouth and throat so bad that your tongue is swollen. This ultimately wakes you up anyway. But if it doesn't you will probably wake up from the feeling that your being suffocated by the mask, after a while that mask plays tricks on you and the Lunesta just adds to the fun. At some point after stumbling to the bathroom for water you find your way back to bed to try and salvage what time you have left. Maybe you put the mask back on, maybe you don't but one thing is for sure, the Lunesta still wants you meet a talking sandwich and we all know there's hiding from that.

When morning hits you feel a mix of relief, confusion, bewilderment and of course you're still tired. But no worries you get to ride the Lunesta butterfly from hell again tonight, unless you switch to Ambien and I hear that stuff's like acid.

Press 1 for Teenager / Press 2 to be ignored.

Talking to my teenage daughter sometimes is a lot like talking to a customer service agent. The approach must be thought out and planned meticulously or I will not get an audience let alone a conversation. Now, I'm not talking about parent/child conversations. The kind where you wield your authority and threaten to turn off the cell phone if your not answered. I'm talking about the Father/Daughter conversation where you just want to know how they are, how they feel, or what's new in their personal life. Somehow these conversations have a way of derailing into oblivion and you're left wondering what the hell just happened?

As my oldest gets older I've learned that I am dealing with someone who has her own agenda, someone who doesn't think I'm the most awesome man on the planet and doesn't rank me in the top 5 people she wants to talk to. I get those days here and there but not like when she was little. So it's all about understanding how important her personal life is to her and approaching her with the utmost care, because trust me, if the wrong thing comes out of your mouth at the wrong time with the wrong tone it's fast train to Emotionalville. "How was your day?" Can suddenly supernova into tears right before your eyes.

Several weeks ago I had a bad experience on the phone with a less then helpful Customer Service again, you know the kind that you know aren't going to help you but you take your chances anyway? You're thinking "Am I going to be okay here? Is this person really going to help me or is she tweeting her Friends on what a dumbass she has on the line?" It's a lot like my teenage daughter, I'm not always certain I'm even getting through but I take my chances anyway.

There's two ways of taking on a customer service agent:

1. You give them everything they want and pray they give you what you want in return. Keep your tone steady, your demeanor pleasant and prepare to repeat yourself a few dozen times. Transfer me? You bet. Transfer me again? Of course!! I should have known this was the wrong department, "Thank you kind sir for your help. I really should repeat my address and last four digits of my SSN at least 10 times a day in case I forget them."

2. You go off the deep end and demand the manager. Prepare for the ultimate show down in hold times and your ability to out last the enemy. Asking for the manager in the event you are not getting help could cost you the entire afternoon if not the call itself. Beware of the manager threat, you must be prepared to be shut down. And we all know the manager is the dude sitting next her tweeting her back about your awesome ability to be a dumbass. You stand no chance.

There are two ways to talk to your teenage daughter:

1. You give them everything they want and expect nothing in return. You can approach her in one of many ways to ask her how she is but in the end do not expect to get too much info out of her and for God's sake do not keep pressing if you don't. The key to it is to just know that she loves you and she needs you she's just going through the equivalent of a mid life crisis: School, college, friends, hormones, social life, it's all raging at once. And she isn't you, that's most important thing to remember. She cannot take on what you can take on nor can she shrug off what you can shrug off, she's too young to know that all these emotions will calm and that her BFF won't be her BFF in high school, she get a new friend and probably a new acronym by then. Life changes to fast for them to handle it all. And we all know the acronyms will never end, LOL, LMAO, LMFAO, LOTFRMAOL.......you get the point.

Option #2: That's it, there's no second option. You think a Customer Service agent will shut you down, press option 2 with a teenager and you will send them into a flurry of epic proportions and you'll be standing wondering what you said wrong. I've been down the option 2 road many times, the only saving grace is that she'll forget and so will you and you will both live to communicate another day.

CTPZ4YA8UD8N

Left of one, Right of the other

People often talked about living a balanced life. Balancing kids, wife, job, health, friends and personal growth. I think for many of us that balanced gets thrown so severely out of whack as our families grow we suddenly look back and wonder what went first and why. For me it was my health and my personal growth that went first. My family and my job became the sole purpose behind all my decisions and my motivations. Getting rid of debt, saving for college, cars, a bigger house, all these things were/are priorities as my kids get older. As a Father I see myself as the person responsible for the health and well being of my wife and children, their needs have to come first and mine have to come second that is the way I was raised or at least how I perceive I was raised. My family life was not what anyone could consider stable and I think I buck the trends being raised without a father.

If you read a lot on the web like I do you start to wonder, are these facebook pages for real? Are these husbands and wives really making time for trips to Hawaii and going to spin classes when they obviously have 4 of 5 kids? Are my old friends really racing marathons and going on cruises when they have 3 toddlers at home? And if so what I am doing differently? After a day at the office and homework and dinner and breaking up fights between the boys and spending time with the girls I barely have enough energy to have a decent conversation with my wife let alone hit the gym. And the mornings? Well the mornings are just as bad, you get up and it's haul ass everywhere to get all the kids to school and if it wasn't for coffee I'd flat on my face in the driveway. Not to mention trips to anywhere take so much planning it's almost impossible to put it paper let alone do it.

Having balance in your life means not too much of one thing and not too little of another but I believe that is truly impossible to do and raise a family. I think you have to immerse yourself into your role or something can get missed and often times they do get missed. The cycle of work-stress-worry-stress really takes its toll on you and suddenly you're staring in the mirror with fifty extra pounds and baggy eyes and realize the only thing you can do at the moment is break into tears, but the tears never come, you suck them back up and push on.

They say make time for yourself. They say make time for your spouse. They say take baby steps and small changes will occur. I wonder about the people that say this stuff, are they really dealing with what I do or my wife does? Do they know that the average parent has so many small things to deal with in a day taking time for themselves is almost impossible? Hell 20 years after high school the physical changes I've endured are so drastic a baby step might blow a lung or break a floorboard it's the pendulum effect, the more it swings in one direction the harder it swings back in the other and it's not exactly easy to slow down. Sometimes it's all you can do to just hold on for dear life.